do u sometimes have tt strange feeling in your gut? something like the term "having butterflies" in your stomach?..what ever it is, i'm having it..and i'm not liking it..wish it'll go away...

Well its a nice cooling Saturday morning. I wish everyday was like this weather.
In other news, i'm definately really buzy this month..because of the upcoming practicuum..and while tt day comes, i have to preapre teh classroom(again), along with the assignment folder with the assignments in it! Not only tt i have to prepare the kids their performance and their Sports Day events. And at the same time preparing for their things for exhibition and the decors. and i'm also incharge of the publications...Aargh..i'm in waaay over my head here.
I'm stressed..overworked..and overshadowed by feelings that i wished it'd go away..
D-day is coming up. I know i should be excited. But to tell you the truth i'm not. seriously. got a ziilion things to think about and worry about. My colleagues was kind enough to pressure me to celebrate. Openly, they discussed about my birthday present. They have no idea what they should get for me.
hmm..sometimes..life just give you onions..and you seem to have to swallow it whole. (i miss the younglings)
Right..so its saturday..and i have no idea what i should do...haha..
                                   

                                 ........Save the Earth......

my bday is coming up..almost a week more to go..Earlier in the year, i was kinda excited about my bday this year. its the only one and only..my 21st bday. Earlier in the year..i already thought of what perhaps i could do to celebrate my bday. Earlier in the year..i thought i'd finally have tt perfect bday. Earlier in the year..i thought i'd be the happiest idiot in the world....

" Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside? "

~its just got worse..
cant take it anymore..
i'm not strong enough..i'm not strong enough..~

stupid book

when i first started out as a teacher at mosque, never have i imagine myself working at a mosque and be it a teacher. (not to mention working in a mosque means youre like the chosen one, not many will get a chance to work in a mosque.alhamdullillah)i have been with  for a long time since i was in kindergarten. it was my 2nd school besides my circular school. as i grew up  istarted helping out through events and such. one good thing is tt those mangement ppl actually regconize me and imagine their surprise when they saw me being a teacher.
so you could say i grew up with the mosque..saw the changes. i became active as a youth helper although my friends and i didnt join the youth team. coz we preferred to be unknown rather then known.
so when i started my career.all was well..afew challenges but i could still handle. i was still attending madrasah eventhough i was working. so kinda weird i was able to juggle and face the asatizahs whom are my colleagues and teachers. then came the day..ever so clear..july 10..the day he came in, didnt really like.the teachers and i were like..ee..siaper tu..action baik konon..turns out he was an ustaz...so we shut up in the end..
then boss introduced us all informerly..came sept..he had to do youth recruitment..since he was new..boss wanted us teachers to help out..and in the end..i got to be the extra help..we were friends..i mean..at first it was kinda weird..he msg all of us..asking about us giving him support..i was like..who is this..and well..teh rest you can guess from there..
so yeah..friendship blossomed from there..and..i could say..i really had the time of my life. it was awesome. he was a great friend. he wasnt like any other ustad at all. he was fun..ya know kinda like a big brother. i'd say i'm ahppy when he was able to open to me about his problems..so ..we had tt special frindship..everyone knew..everyone saw..how close we are..and together we set up the youth kids..we started off with the boys..ultimately till this very day..i'm so glad i met teh boys first. my dear boys..by any chance u happen to read this..i really had fun with u guys.all the merepek stuff..haha..like abbas said..we were more then youths..we were family.
so yeah..we recruiteed more..and soon..teh setting up of soccer team and netball team...safe to say tt i really recruited them with sweat..i mean we really started from scratch. so came the girls..
to make story short..eventually the youth rise..me and him became good friends.then.shit happens..he was out of yuoth..and to me..expressing your true feelings...iw as honoured to see tt he was willing to share his feelings..true feeligns..everything was well later..
well..good things had to end..before tt..we were like idiots..close idiots..then..crappy rhings happen. i admit i made a mistake.but its not entirely my fault. i did wat anybody would hav edone..and if u said..no..then you are lying to yourself. something happen and we didnt talk to each other for almost a month. after a month..tt particular day..it happen again..haiz..but it brought us together again..although it was nvr the same.
then after much thought..weeks past..with the help of my real dear friends..i finally realsie what really happen..and sources so true and good..it pains me to even remember it..i was backstabbed bu my own..and thing is..i cant do anything abt it..haiz..alhtough once in awhile he sms..its not the same.this backstabber did this out of jealosuy..out of whatever..we weill nvr know till this day..henceforth..simplest thing i could do..was to stay away..trust me..i wasnt just my decision..it was also an order i had ot obey from someone..
if u are reading this..girl..dont worry.. i know you didnt have anything ot do with this..but when i found out i was backstabbed..iw as sadden..and..i had to leave..u cant imagine what it did to me..it really hur tme alot..alot..and i hate u for tt..
so yeah..soon he's leaving.manage to meet up with him a cuople of days ago.nice conversation..its been awhile..but sitll i felt as if things are still unsolve..
pls show him this..:"from the bottom of my heart, i'm sorry it had to end this way.i'm sorry i disappoint u and wasnt a good friend to u. i wish u could have known the truth and get rid of the lies. thank u for what u have done. u may not realise it but u did. its unimaginable of how special our freindship was..really..and so i thannk u for tt too. thank u. thank u."
haiz..one things for sure..i learnt alot of things these past few months. i learnt not to trust people easily. for those tt acted as your friends..they could be your enemy. i leanrt tt i coudl pretty much be committed to someone. i learn ttt i tend to shut away from teh world and i'll nvr be able to express myself..i learnt tt..it really hurts alot alot..when u lose someone u cared about.......
thank u..i'm really gonna miss u alot..
its not going to be easy..

confused..irritated..frustrated..tired..
stop playing around..
decide..upright..yes or no...
stop playing around
dont know what you're trying to do..pissing me off...
i